My Unknown World

Okay. So I was on the Facebook and the Pretty Little Liars page posted the question:

Thoughts on last night’s episode?

Of course, I just happened to zoom in on the comment that said 

“I loved the episode, although the gay crap could be left out!”

Feeling like I’m a part of something. 

I miss being on a team. 

I miss playing sports. 

I miss having a group of people who loved to do the same thing I did. 

I miss having a job. 

I miss having co-workers to complain about my job to. 

I miss having people who depended on me to do my job. 

I miss having a responsibility to someone other than myself. 

I need to be needed. 

I want to be wanted. 

That’s what I need to change about my life. 

That is what would make me happy right now. 

And of course, I’ll be happy when/if I do extremely well on my math midterm tomorrow.

I’m pretty sure that I don’t know what affection is. I mean, I think too much and all that and I’m probably just being all depressed-ish and just ranting and complaining and bitching and whining, but I get literally confused between friendship, flirting, messing around, and actual physical affection. I don’t know what fucked me up, but I wish I knew how to reverse it. It’s fucking confusing and starting to mess with my head. I’ve been here exactly two weeks now. That’s not a long time at all. I don’t miss home yet, but this place still doesn’t feel real. I was just lying on my bed and looking at my suitcases and it reminded me of the day my dad helped me move in. It seems so long ago, but I’ve got so much longer to wait before I get to go home. I feel like I’ve already fucked up a few of my new friendships. I can only hope that I can fix them and make many more relationships. I really hope this is just pms or some hormonal shit. I feel like some people are avoiding me. I wish I knew how to make it stop. I’m completely optimistic though…it’s amazing here and it will only get better as my friendships grow. 

My 20 year old cousin’s fiancee’s dad. An interesting man. He made me spill my entire life story to him. Despite his disappointment in my attending Berkeley, I like him. 

He made me realize a lot of things. But he also made fun of the haircuts of the USA’s women’s soccer team. They called them “boy haircuts…”

Anyway. He asked what I wrote for my essays to get in to Berkeley. One was about me and my less than social self. The other was about my parents’ divorce. 

In the end, somehow, I said that I was used to people coming in and out of my life and this being the reason why I don’t really get close to people. And even when I do get close, it doesn’t phase me much when those people aren’t in my life anymore. Thanks, mom. 

I can’t wait to move away and meet to people. 

I want to meet someone that I’ll miss. 

I do miss people now. Friends, family that’s far away, friendships that ended, but honestly, they kind of served their purpose and expired. Not all of them of course. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. And that everything has some level of significance. There’s a reason we aren’t friends. There’s a reason I won’t miss you. 

Still figuring that out and still changing and all that good stuff. Being 18 and “legal” and officially an adult and all that doesn’t mean shit when it comes to growing up. It’s just the beginning. Recently, I’ve been doing things that don’t seem like me. Before I was such a push-over and kiss ass and was a bit too selfless. Now, I have become the opposite. I’m cold. I care a lot less about things I used to care so much about. There are few things in the present that I care about. I can count on my two hands the people I will truly miss when I leave. And as much as I plan on keeping in touch, I can’t make any promises. I wonder how long I will miss them. a week? a month? for the rest of my life? doubtful, but I have no idea. I don’t miss my old friends, I have replacements. I guess as long as someone is there to fill the void, I’m good. I cannot possibly feel that way, can I? Building friendships takes time. I can’t just throw that away in a matter of moments or days or weeks. But, alas, I have. I didn’t miss my own birth mother when I went months to years at a time not seeing her. And there was no one but my father to fill that void. Maybe that’s what started this numbness to losing people. Then again, I never really had a mother, so I couldn’t miss her if I never had her. I don’t like it when I start to psychoanalyze myself like this. But, I do think this coldness I’ve developed will come in handy one day. I’ve thought this for a while now, but I think being a doctor is my calling. Not because I’m in love with the human body, or even have an unnatural urge to keep people alive, but because I believe I can handle death well. I’ve never experienced it too terribly close to me, and for that I am thankful, but I’ve imagined losing people. It doesn’t seem so bad. Except my dad. If I lost him, I’d need therapy. I know this is twisted thinking. But, no one will read this. I don’t write this for you to read anyway. I write it to rid it from my brain. For those I have recently hurt, I apologize. But, I don’t regret anything. Ever. 

• Babysat all night and all day today until 5. And for me babysitting entails cooking food, watching Caillou, Monsters Inc. and Shrek, dancing and napping. 
• Watched the Book of Eli with my dad. 
• Showered and went to the infamous Faith fair. Oh boy. here we go. 
• Met my friend (also my ex) there. She knows everyone in the world so I got to meet everyone in the world. 
• Got hit on by a 30 year old lesbian. She was cooler than most of the other people I met. 
• I realized why I have virtually no social life: the people from my old school (east) are obnoxious and immature. Not all of them, but many. And the people I actually enjoy being around work alllll the time. Like I used to. 
• I can’t wait to move to California. I hope people there are more mature. 
• I’m worried about the future of society. It worries me when I hear 15 and 16 year olds talking about sex (that they’ve been having since they were 12) with males and females. Wow. I know life is short and all, but damn girl, you have your entire life ahead of you. 

Good day. Learned a lot about myself and the world I live in.

I’m starting to get worried. I’m nervous-about everything. 

What if my roommate and I don’t get along? What if I fail all my classes? What if I am miserable? What if I cry every night because I miss home? What if I have no friends? What if I can’t be myself? 

When people ask me why I chose Berkeley, why I decided to go to the other side of the country to study, and why I decided to go as far as I possibly could my answer is always why not? I guess some people don’t understand what a big deal Berkeley is-especially to me. I’m not the best student, I make mediocre grades when compared to my former classmates and I don’t do much outside of school and work. Some of my future peers seem to have had difficulties decided which schools to attend between UCLA and Berkeley or USC. I mean, I didn’t apply to many “prestigious” schools, but when it came down to UCLA, Irvine or Berkeley, I didn’t have to think twice. Berkeley was my top choice and it had been for the past year. I just didn’t realize that it was a possible reality. I mean, it’s barely reality now. My family cannot afford it. Somehow, I’m going anyway. We get very little federal grants. We’re taking out loans and I’m going to be in debt. I just hope it will all work out. I hope it will all be worth it. 

As for my housing. I’m going to live in Foothill. I wanted to live in Foothill. I don’t understand why so many people are complaining about that. Bitches, you are going to BERKELEY. Be thankful that you were accepted into the school-don’t complain about where you will be living. Especially don’t complain on the basis that “too many engineers live there and they’re weird” or “it’s not as social as the units.” I thought this place was different. I thought it was going to be paradise. (not really, but I figured the people would be a bit better) As it turns out, people are the same everywhere. I just hope I find the right ones this time. I’m in the Unity House Theme program, dammnit. I’m going to be surrounded by people who are like me, who think like me, who believe the things I believe, and who like the things I like. It will be damn near close to paradise. 

Because it has the potential of being perfection.

What if my roommate and I fall in love with each other? Or even just become best friends? What if I have a 4.0 GPA at the end of my first semester? What if I’m the happiest I’ve ever been? What if I call home every night missing them, but telling them stories about how wonderful my new home is? What if I have the most amazing group of new friends? What if I discover myself?

I can’t fucking wait. 

Folly Beach. Small surfing waves. 

Surfboard-hogging brother.

Irritable, pissy father. bleh. Ass. And he says, I’m sensitive.

Nice hotel room. But only one. For 5 people. ehh. Where to sleep.

Amazing Vegan/Vegetarian restaurant. 

Cucumber/Lime Water. Incredible. 

It’s beautiful here. I love it. But my father is on his way to ruining it for me. 

I’m slightly jealous that H. Rap will be living here for the next four years. 

In high school, at least. Not that I’ve ever had it, but now I know it wasn’t real. 

No one is mature enough. 

No one is serious enough. 

No one is decent enough not to fuck someone else over.

Fuck high school. 

None of my friends give me anything to look up to in relationships. 

I have no role model. 

And I’m going to college in only three and a half short months.

Good thing none of this matters. My life has only just begun.